Saturday, November 30, 2013

To Be Completely Honest

Photo courtesy of Google Images

While we have known for years that our daughter, "Boo" was an Aspie Girl our official clinical diagnosis didn't come until September 2013.  She's 9 years old.  We never allowed ourselves to self-diagnose her, we never used Autism or Asperger's Syndrome to describe her.  We would never trespass on the those living with Autism until we had solid proof.

When that solid proof came I sat down and cried.  The weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, we had answers, we could form more plans, we could get outside help, we could talk to Boo in a language she'd understand.  It was the end of our fight to get outsiders to see what we saw.

Parents I know already living with and having learned to parent their children who are on the Autism Spectrum told me we would find the blessings, the good.  They all said the same thing, "focus on the positives".  If I were to be completely honest, my initial reaction to those parents was a great big "F-U".  My middle finger shot up at the good, the positives, and I sure as hell wasn't going to see this is a blessing.

In the middle of this came a conversation between a close friend and myself:

  • Friend: Do you find it all fascinating? Or...something else...?

  • Me: TOTALLY FASCINATING!!! Also, discouraging. I've read a bit in the past, but now I'm reading a shit ton so I'm learning a lot more and learning how to work with it. Which definitely makes things easier. However, if I could undo it all in a heartbeat for her I would. At the same time I think, if I could undo it all how else would she be undone? Would her heart not be as big towards animals, would she not have the empathy she feels towards anyone hurt? Would she be so smart, creative, and easy to love? I look at other girls her age and sometimes I'm thankful for her AS b/c she's so much NOT like those little witches. I look at other girls her age and sometimes I'm sad b/c she's NOT like those little witches. It's a catch 22 I think. I think I'd be 100% okay with the AS if Anxiety & Depression were not associated with it.

So, to be completely honest I am learning to find the good and focus on the positives.  I won't find it all overnight, and I won't always be 100% at peace with AS. You will still hear me cussing out and flipping off Autism.  I won't always parent my Aspie with zero frustration and in complete understanding.  Isn't that true to parenting any child?

To be completely honest I wouldn't change either of my children to make my life easier.  I cannot change either of my children to make their life easier.  I don't want to imagine how else they would be undone if I could do that.  So we continue on this journey...and we'll come by all of this honestly!